Never Defend Yourself

How to Stand Up For Yourself Without Getting Defensive

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You can’t control how others will treat you.

I often say, “Never defend yourself.”

That sounds odd to most and completely ludicrous to some.

But what I really mean by it is that: a posture of defensiveness will never serve you well.

When you grow defensive, passionate, enraged, visibly frustrated, there are psychological and physiological reactions happening at the subconscious level in you and in the person across from you.

The other person will mirror your reactivity, your tension, your perceptible frustration, and, the more heated things get, your lack of decorum.

By all means, when someone wrongs you, speak up, but there are some steps to take before you do that will protect your leadership and keep you from experiencing (or causing) needless heartache.

Stopping the Flame in its Tracks

When someone says something that offends us, our instinct is to react immediately. A flame kindles inside of us. A literal warmth in our body and an emotional heat that is natural. It’s there to protect us from a perceived threat.

Sometimes, the offending party is operating from a mean spirit—they meant to offend us—but most times, that is not their intention.

I tell my team often to assume clumsy, not malice. Most people you work with or do life in close proximity to do not have it out for you. Ironically, however, it is the people who know you best who have the greatest capacity to push your buttons—to cause offense.

Every healthy leader I’ve known has that flame within, but they have an incredible capacity to control and deploy it with precision. To protect people in need. To respond with firmness and strength. To levy necessary challenge (always undergirded by an empathetic support).

It is when one has no inner mechanism for stopping the flame that it roars unexpectedly, with ferocity, and causes needless destruction. There is a simple tool for taming your flame.

The moment someone says something that provokes or offends you:

Pause. Breathe. Choose.

The pause gives your rational brain a moment to catch up with your emotional brain.

The breath steadies your pulse and anchors you to your soul—to who you really want to be.

The choice gives you the power to not let someone, even an enemy, determine how you show up in the world.

No matter what they say, do, or think about you, you (and you alone) always have a choice about how you show up.

Stop the flame. When necessary, wield it in defense of others. But don’t let an uncontrolled blaze destroy roads and bridges you would desperately wish were there later.

Pause, breathe, choose.

Conflict without Offense

I actually love conflict, and you should too. Conflict is a catalyst for collaboration and innovation…if you and all parties involved know how to navigate it correctly.

I actually wrote an article on exactly how you can map your conflict style, understand that of your team, leverage conflict as a catalyst for growth, and prevent it from causing destruction.

But we don’t always get to control the conditions where conflict takes place. We don’t always get to set the rules of the engagement. There are times when, even after you’ve stopped yourself from reacting, you need to retreat in order to reorient yourself and regroup with your better nature.

This form of retreat is the epitome of strength. There is nothing passive about it. The goal is, once again, not to allow the heat of a single moment to determine the trajectory of your leadership.

If things are particularly heated. You’ve taken a beat to pause and breathe, but you realize no constructive conversation can be had in the current emotional environment. Choose to walk away. Ask the person in front of you if you can have some time to consider what’s been said and set a time to circle back.

It doesn’t have to be more complicated. It is rare that a long, drawn-out explanation is necessary. And it is almost always appropriate to walk away, especially if sticking around means you’re going to wreak havoc.

Retreat, reorient, and regroup.

When you reach out to them again, choose:

1. The right time and environment — try a Table if you can. The tone of the room can greatly assist the mood of the conversation.

2. A dispassionate attitude — by this point, you’ve had a chance to calm down, consider your true position, and say what needs to be said from a place of calm and clarity.

3. A desire for everyone involved to win insomuch as it is possible — the goal of healthy conflict is not to get your way or even to compromise. The goal is to collaborate toward a better outcome than either of you could dream up on your own.

If you learn to navigate conflict without taking offense, it will shock you how many people you thought would be enemies can become friends. It will also save friendships that might have otherwise been rocked or destroyed by a single, tactless moment.

And you can still show up 100% authentically YOU: a version of yourself who isn’t ashamed of the wake they left behind in the arena of conflict.

Fight well, friends.

Sincerely,

Karl

P.S. If this was helpful for you, consider sending it on to someone who would benefit from it. I write about the tools I use with my team and clients—top leaders all over the world across industries. So, you can be sure these tools have been tested in the arena. My hope is always to bring that same value to leaders at every stage of the journey who want to lead healthy, from a deeper place. And as always, thank you for reading.